ToryScum.com

The Guardian Diary brings news of more creative copywriting.

Wags in Tottenham have added Jeffrey Archer and Jonathan Aitken’s signatures to the poster asking “How would you feel if a bloke on day release attached your daughter?”.

Elsewhere in London N17, the question “How difficult is it to keep a hospital clean?” has been answered: “You should know - you contracted out hospital cleaning.”

Marvellous stuff. In the absence of images, we’ve borrowed Conservative campaign tactics and knocked something up in Photoshop instead.

Update: MetaFilter users cut to the questions that matter:

“Who would vote for a party who can’t even do joined-up writing?”

Phil Collins is threatening to come back to Blighty if the Conservatives win the election.

The tax exile - worth a staggering £130m - said he’d leave Britain for Switzerland if Labour won the 1997 General Election.

Against all odds, he stuck to his guns.

We’re certain he needs all that dosh for something - possibly gifts for the homeless kids he sang about in Another Day in Paradise.

Noel Gallagher was first to speak out:

“Vote Labour. If you don’t and the Tories get in, Phil is threatening to come back from Switzerland and live here - and none of us want that.”

Had it with the ballot box?

NotApathetic.com offers the chance to tell the world why you won’t be voting in the general election.

It’s the work of MySociety, who are responsible for a string of community-minded sites, including PledgeBank and FaxYourMP.com.

UPDATE: New downloads have been added, including this rather fetching banner ad…

Thanks to everyone who’s sent photos of redecorated billboards in. Keep them coming to toryscum@gmail.com.

Tottenham, London (Thanks Paul)

Reading

Wokingham Road, Reading

London Road, Reading

See also: Subverts

We hate Jeffrey Archer more than most Conservatives.

His lies and deceits have been comprehensively documented by the courts and media.

Last year the disgraced peer ran the London Marathon for charity.

Cash was solicited at jeffreyarcher.co.uk, a site carrying the name of Jeffrey Archer Limited:

Jeffrey Archer Limited has never been registered as a company in Britain, as revealed by a search at Companies House.

Archer’s site goes on to say:

“As soon as all pledges have been collected, I will announce the sum raised for these tremendous causes.”

Nearly 12 months after the marathon, the site carries no such announcement.

We’d love to hear explanations for these two facts.

Looks like we’re not alone in viewing the phallus Palace of Westminster as a haven for bell ends.

The good people at General Erection are running their own poll, nominating the most lubricious legislator of the three party leaders. Needless to say, it’s not safe for work.

With Paddy the shagmagnet demobbed, Bambi will probably stroll it unless Tory Central Office spams Gaydar.com. Stranger things have happened.

Tory candidate Ed Matts has been caught using Photoshop to bring old publicity snaps on message.

The original shot shows Matts and Tory heartbreaker Ann Widdecombe protesting for - wait for it - an immigrant family to be allowed to stay in Britain.

Weeks later the same photo has popped up minus the family and plus handy on message slogans.

A Conservative spokesman tried to justify the deception:

“Ed Matts excluded the family who appeared in the original photo by creating a new image in order to protect them from media attention.”

Update: Create your own shabby identikit image here.

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A few words on our comments policy: anything racist, sweary, incoherent or illegal will be removed. Anything else on-topic is fair game. Simple.

Perma-tanned poser Peter Stringfellow hosted a Conservative fundraising gala on Sunday night.

For the 25th anniversary of Stringfellows, the entrance to London’s premier trumped-up brothel gentleman’s club sported Michael Howard’s smug mug in place of the usual legs akimbo lady.

Margaret Thatcher turned up, but failed to enjoy any table-dancing action.

We understand that visitors were asked to buy two £25 raffle tickets on the threat of…

“Two days cruising around the Balerics [sic] for four people on Peter Stringfellow’s 50ft Sunseeker Yacht, skippered by Peter Stringfellow and his girlfriend Bella.”

Second prize was three days, third prize forever (cheap gag shamelessly stolen from Twistblog).

Pathetic with a paint can? Help is at hand for those unwilling to deface Tory billboards.

Stuart Langridge has made it easy to make your own Conservative campaign ads online.

Simply enter your slogan, and the site will generate a picture perfect replica ready for download.

Do e-mail us your work.

We also enjoyed this thread about everybody’s favourite Conservative poster campaign.

See also: Make your own Conservative poster.